When I was young some people close to me used to read my diary. At first I felt so violated and angry but then I thought of a new plan – write in code.
How did I know they were reading it? I knew because I wrote things that were so private no one else in the world would have known I had those thoughts & feelings. But then, these two individuals (who were supposed to be ones I could trust the most) would sometimes mock me or make humiliating jokes about private things I’d confided into those secret & supposedly locked pages. I knew the only way they could know these things, or think to make jokes about them, is for the diary’s privacy to have been compromised.
When I asked them about it, they lied and said No. This was worse because it momentarily made me feel “crazy.” I knew what I knew – but when someone lies it takes extra mental energy to move through the false illusion they are trying to create and you have to decide how to deal with the deceit. So then I had four major issues to deal with 1) the first violation – the diary 2) the second violation – the humiliating mockery 3) the third violation – the LIE and 4) the fourth violation – how now can I express myself through private writing when I have no private outlet?
Unfortunately, there are no “Diary Police” which come to lock up invaders who rob a child of their dignity & integrity. Nor are there “LIAR MILITARY FORCES” to haul away bad family members who violate their blood relatives of their basic human right to have privacy.
So I was left to deal with this on my own. Solution One: Instead of writing “Dear Diary” I started to write “Dear So & So” which showed them when they were reading it that I knew what they were doing. Solution Two: Decide in my mind that it was OKAY for anyone anywhere to read my diary/journals at any time. I believe this is when the Author in me was born because anyone can be a writer but an author has an audience and it takes a good set of balls to put yourself out there exposed for all the world to see. I decided at a young age I was okay with that. Solution Three: Write in code when I needed to because then I would know what & who I was talking about but no one else would. Solution Four: Learn to keep to myself more, so that I could use my mind to reflect and work through thoughts & feelings without the need to write. This was when my Meditative Self was born which I am also grateful for as it is a skill I have relied on to this day.
And guess what? 30 years later I finally received confirmation that my hunch was accurate because the individuals guilty of this abhorrent act admitted to someone close to me that they used to do this. And because this person and I are as close as we are, she told me. I’m very fortunate we have such a deep & honest connection and can trust one another, even with the hard stuff.
So now I know for sure that the violation I experienced was not my imagination…Was not me just trying to get attention, as the perpetrators claimed…Was not me just making it up…Was not me just having “mental issues.” What I experienced was real and it hurt and it caused psychological scars which I am still healing today. There is absolutely nothing wrong with my mind. Nothing wrong with my brain. Nothing “wrong” with me. But do I bear the scars of having endured psychological torture as a child? Absolutely. Do I care if others believe me? Not one bit. Is part of my healing journey and empowerment about taking bold steps forward as an author to share my story so others who have gone through it or who will go through it can be encouraged by my Strength & Perseverance? Yes. 100% it is.
The environment I grew up in was cold. Like damn cold. Metaphorically speaking.
But for some reason, I saw the best in everyone around me and I didn’t seek revenge and I didn’t seek retribution. And I didn’t lash out in anger. At every step of the way, I have only sought for answers, clarity, and perspective. That’s all.
Along the way, sometimes my openness has shocked or even appalled some people. Or it has angered & outraged others. I cannot control how sharing My Truth affects those who are closest to the story or those who read about the journey. All I can do is hope that by sharing the deep transformation from the frigid cold environment of a psychologically torturous environment to living in a continuous state of warmth and happiness and mental & emotional peacefulness that I can offer some inspiration & encouragement to others.
This is my intention. This has been my purpose. This will remain my focus.
Read my story or don’t. Talk about my story or don’t. Respond and react to my story or don’t. It doesn’t matter at all. It doesn’t change my love for those who have distanced themselves from me or my family. It doesn’t change my compassion for those others who are also victims of the same perpetrators who victimized me. It doesn’t change my Hope that there will be a time in the future when a lot more clarity and Peace and Unity is achieved.
Last night I dreamed that I was having a conversation with a guard in a shopping mall and when I looked down I realized I was naked. I looked back at him and he seemed completely oblivious to my condition. Or maybe aware of my condition but not at all concerned with it. Then I started thinking of when was the last time I had clothing on and how many people saw me exposed. I felt embarrassed but at the same time felt that I guess it wasn’t a problem because no one said anything. It’s like I had some special “VIP” card which allowed me to do anything I wanted and I felt comfortable suddenly. But when the conversation ended I did hurry back to the car to find my clothes.
Nakedness has shown up a lot in my dreams lately and in this case it is about being honest, being true to myself, showing my Truth and true Self to others. The dreams say that even though I feel slight embarrassment about doing it that it’s okay and in fact it is what I am supposed to do, or expected to be doing.
So this blog post is a bit of a way of honouring the message of the dream. The dream says share my true self openly and so I am. In writing about challenges in my childhood I am trying to demonstrate the obstacles which came up early in life which created fears & anxieties that lasted long into my adult life. But slowly I am healing the metaphorical handicaps and slowly I am developing Olympic-level strength and little by little there will be nothing left of the issues but just the memory that they once existed. They will no longer affect me, no longer slow me down, no longer sabotage me. I am not a bad person. I am not crazy. I am not mentally ill and if anyone has ever told you such a thing, they are lying to protect themselves. They are lying to hide what they did to me when no one was watching.
If you want to know the truth, you can become like a detective, and search for the answers and trust me – you will find them!